Went to church today.

I went to church today.  Read my Kindle most of the time through it.  Does that make me a bad person, or just bored?


Dumb Church Things

In the time I’ve spent in and around Christian churches and ministries, I’ve learned there are some unavoidably dumb things that go on.  Things that tie back to how we ‘should’ feel or act in a certain situation, although those feelings/actions are rarely correct, let alone authentic.

Here are a few of my favorites:

1) Whenever it’s a church-sponsored outing to the movies, everyone feels compelled to see the lamest, most homely, family-friendly schlock at the megaplex.  Even if everyone going is over 18, it never fails that the movie will be the latest “Christian” themed film, or something so tame it wouldn’t offend anyone.  And why should anyone go out on the limb and suggest an edgy PG-13 movie, when inevitably, someone in the group will make a comment like “Ohhh..I thought this was a church outing? *nervous laugh*”, or you’ll get a righteous ‘talkin to’ when someone on staff hears that you brought a group to a movie with d-bombs in it (I’m talkin DAMN people!).

2) Obligatory “How Ya Doin?”‘s.  It never fails on a Sunday morning that when church people walk around their houses of the holy, they have to smile and ask everyone else how they are.  The obligatory answers are always things like “Great! It’s a wonderful day to praise the Lord!” or “Blessed!”, or some other denial ridden horsecrap.

3) Handshake after the 3rd hymn.  It never fails that a worship leader/pastor/sociopath will ask the congregation to ‘turn and greet the people around you’ or ‘ask the person next to you their favorite color’ or some such icebreaker crap once 3 songs have been performed.  It’s a rule.  Do you ever remember these peoples’ names, or fun fact you learned about them?  No.  And how many handshakes/good mornings do you have to do in order to not seem antisocial? Three?  Five?  Should you walk across the aisle if the people around you seem occupied with handshakes?  What if I have to take a whizz?

4) Booze bad…lard good!  Just sit and simmer on that one, Protestant Evangelicals………..done simmering?  Are you rushing to your Bible yet to quote the passage in Romans about causing your brother to stumble?  Are you going to find some hokey scientist who said something about Jesus’ first miracle (water to wine) being the equivalent of grape juice?  If so, sit for a few and listen….  If you’re so hung up with your temperance-era bullsh*t about how alcohol abuse kills, let’s think about how many of your houses of worship regularly serve (or condone the serving of) fattening foods?  I’m talking everything from the guy who brings donuts to sunday school, to pizza parties, to ice cream socials, to get togethers at fast food restaurants.  Fact is, in 2010, the CDC(1) cites Heart Disease as the number one killer in America, Stroke as the 4th, and Diabetes as 7th.  Coming in at number 12 is liver related illnesses (often booze related).

So, you’ll rake anyone you see with a drink over the coals as anti-Christian and causing some random ‘brother’ who may or may not drink/have a drinking problem to fall, but you’ve got no qualms chomping down a jelly donut in a room full of fat asses who clearly have an eating problem?  Ugh.  And yes, food/overeating can be an addiction, just as alcohol is.  There’s even a 12 step program modeled after AA for food addicts (2).

It would seem I got a little fired up about the booze thing.  And no, I’m not a closet alcoholic.  Just someone who ‘hid the booze’ one too many times when someone ‘righteous’ was coming.


References, so you’ll know I’m not making this stuff up:

1) http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr60/nvsr60_04.pdf

2) http://www.foodaddicts.org/





Tebow-ners abound!

With this being my first post of ‘unique’ content, why not jump into the fray about Tim Tebow? What better way to set yourself apart from others than to ring the same damn bell everyone else is talking about relating to your subject area?

I’m a passing football fan.  I can sit and watch a game, and there are a few teams I’ll pull for if it’s on.  Am I a superfan?  No.  If some strange junta took over and ruled the NFL to be illegal, I’d be okay.  Professional athletes in general irk me a bit – they’re all millionaires who never seem happy with the fact they’re paid exponentially more than the common worker to do something they love.

But that rant is best saved for another day.

My current topic – Tim Tebow – interests me.  It seems that no matter how you feel about him, that everyone has a boner for him (Tebow-ner if you will).  The evangelicals love him for the obvious reasons; he gives praise to God if he so much as burps, his background of being raised by missionaries serving in Asia, his “3:16” eye black thingys (told you I’m not a huge fan), etc.   You get the point.

Non-evangelicals seem to hate his guts.  That’s what boggles me.  The harsh sportswriters talk about his lackluster stats on the field compared to the greats of the game.  Can’t argue with numbers.  It doesn’t stop there though; they seem to mock his faith, or maybe the attention he gets from Christians in general.  SNL had a skit about him a few weeks ago where Jesus comes into the Broncos’ locker room and tells Tim that he can’t help him on every play.  It was a bit sacreligious, true, but I don’t remember SNL ever playing on a Christian network, or even proclaiming faith.  Of course Pat Robertson ranted about SNL being anti-Christian and whatnot, which didn’t help since he’s half crazy anyway (the other half scares me).

So, here are my observations on the Tebow-ners abounding today:

1) He portrays himself as a clean living guy who’s true to his beliefs.  He comes off humble, and regardless of stats, is enjoying some success in the NFL.  Sooo…why is it so bad to have a guy like this as someone kids look up to as opposed to one of the dozens of convicted felons in the NFL?

2) What if he were a Muslim?  Broadcasters would speak respectfully about him bowing for prayers during halftime, how he eschews babes/booze/etc because of his Quran.  And I’d guess that people wouldn’t mock him in the public eye as easily.  It would be a full on Danish newspaper style jihad if the same SNL skit showed a Muslim Tebow being visited by Mohammed.

My point – lay off the guy.  He obviously has something going on to be where he is, and isn’t the worst jersey for your kid to be wearing to school.






Brand Spankin New

Ok, so this is a pretty lazy first blog, but it deserves to be seen as an initial entry, as it gives anyone who happens to read it a good feel for who I am.

Who am I?

I was brought up evangelical in a bible-beltish chunk of America.  I strayed from Christianity as a teenager, and then came back as a young adult.  I held volunteer positions of responsibility  at churches and para-church ministries, but came to realize I was faking most of it.

After years of suppressing quiet little voices telling me the fake life I was living in full evangelical glory would eventually bust, I decided to be the one to bust it wide open.  It feels good.  I can breathe.  I don’t feel (as) bound to evangelical culture as I did before.

My name?  I’m going to err on the side of anonymity for now.  I’m not going to go to great lengths to hide my identity, but I’d rather remain anonymous for now.

What Can You Expect From My Blog?

My raw feed, raw nerve, raw emotion, and at times, raw language.  Yes, I cuss.  I’m committing to ‘blank’ it out for the little chittlins who may come across my blog (shame on your parents for letting you read this btw), but I may not sometimes.

Non-sequitirs galore!  Hooray for random rabbit trails!  I may blog about something not even related to Christianity.  Irritating?  Don’t like it?  Start your own d*mn blog!

Things that may offend you.  I see evangelical Christianity through some fairly cynical eyes.  I’ll put things on here that may be true, but not very likeable to the Sunday morning bunch.


None to be found. I’m not gay, living in some kind of unrepented sin, smoking pot, or voting non-Republican (well, no promises on that last one).

Comment Away!

I really want your comments and feedback.

Tolerance Policy

If you’re mad at something I said, or think I’m the worst thing since bread you have to slice for yourself, let me have it.  Be constructive, don’t be profane or ignorant.  I’ll delete the heck out of those comments and not feel a bit bad or like I’m hiding some ‘truth’ I don’t want seen.  Speak your mind, but be sure to use said mind when speaking it.

Summary…seriously, does he shut up?

To be clear….I consider myself a Christian, and don’t have any plans to change that.  I love God, believe in the salvation through Christ’s blood.  What I don’t believe in is all of the crap we’ve made it.  I don’t want to throw out the Baby in the manger with the bath water.